Dedicated to “all the Jews who, if history is any guide, could probably use a laugh right now,” The Jews: 5,000 Years and Counting achieves an incredible feat: It covers our entire “epic journey through time, space, and guilt” in 224 pages.
Comedy writer Rob Kutner (winner of Emmy, Peabody, Grammy, and Television Critics Association Awards) accomplishes this with smart humor that tries not to veer into smarty-pants irreverence or inappropriate jokes – a very wobbly high-wire act, especially when navigating the unfunny waters of the Crusades, pogroms, and the Holocaust.
A journey that flies the reader through Jewish history
On a journey that flies the reader (with myriad stopovers) from the Garden of Eden to the security line at Ben-Gurion Airport, Kutner employs a variety of formats and devices to keep the facts flowing in an engaging manner.
Along with punchy personality profiles, he often uses individual or collective historical characters – from “meddling Mesopotamian housewives” to “singing immigrants” – to convey in a lively imagined context whatever was happening in their time.
In this vein, he presents a transcript of the biblical Patriarchs’ and Matriarchs’ Group Therapy Session, pages from Moses’ Secret Diary, and a thread of text messages from “Torqueman” to the “SpanJews” in 1492.
DIGITAL CREATOR Dillon Bracken attends the Burning Man 2014 ‘Caravansary’ festival in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada (credit: JIM URQUHART/REUTERS)
There’s even a series of Rabbi Action Cards (for instance, Yohanan Ben-Zakai, who established “the first-ever center of Jewish learning with no fundraising committee”).
These vehicles and others transmit a whole lot of info – with a few footnotes thrown in for gravitas – without sacrificing the light touch that makes reading fun.
“Fun” doesn’t mean laugh-out-loud hilarious. For me, at least, the book provoked smiles rather than knee slaps. Some of the one-liners fall flat. Others skirt the edge of poor taste. But overall, The Jews is amusing and absorbing.
Here are a few excerpts:
“Then God created the first man, Adam, and – immediately realizing that the guy was just a bucket of neediness – created Eve, a female companion for him. It was history’s first blind date, complete with God overenthusiastically telling them, ‘You two have so much in common…’”
(Spoken by Queen Esther): “So, funny story: Despite Cyrus’s decree, not all of us actually ended up going back to the homeland. Some of us had a pretty good thing going in the Diaspora and stuck around in the Persian Empire. That’s where I lived with my uncle/cousin/genealogy unclear, Mordechai.”
“Islam started in the 600s, several centuries after the Jews left Judea and got back to their beloved hobby of ‘refugeeing.’ This meant there were many Jewish communities and tribes spread out across the Arab world, poised to create eternal battles over who really invented hummus.”
“The hassidim were the wild-eyed, Burning Man attendees of their time, only less tan and with schnapps instead of LSD.”
“There are many theories about how Jews got to Ethiopia, but it’s important to focus on the main point: We got there and found somebody to despise us.”
“The establishment of the State of Israel in 1948 was considered a grave offense by the Arab nations. Many considered all of Arabia sacred Muslim land that non-Muslims were not permitted to rule. Some considered Israel a puppet colonial enterprise of the Western powers. Others just didn’t do well with sharing. In keeping with one of history’s longest-running traditions, Jews were blamed. Specifically, the Jews who had lived for centuries in their countries.”
Impressively, I found only very few historical/factual errors in this book, probably owing to the advisers whom the author thanks for helping him get it “as ‘close to not-wrong’ as possible.”
Two bloopers that stand out: Kutner identifies Samson’s unnamed mother as Zorah (the name of the city where the family lived) and identifies the Kenite heroine Yael as an Israelite.
Yael is included in the cheeky chapter “Bad and/or Badass Jews,” spanning millennia from biblical bad boy Korah to feminist badass Gloria Steinem.
Among the entertaining passages here is Kutner’s summary of the legacy of Karl Marx: “Decades of college freshmen wearing Che Guevara T-shirts. (Only to be later replaced by Hamas T-shirts)” and an observation about Jesus of Nazareth: “Imagine how long this brown-skinned, long-haired, socialist, pacifist, immigrant, Jew would survive in today’s America.”
Despite its comical approach, this ambitious book obviously required a staggering amount of research and creative thought. Kutner gives a special shout-out to two Israeli educational establishments – the Alexander Muss High School and the Pardes Institute of Jewish Studies, “Two amazing institutions that managed to teach me a lot of this stuff… and even more shockingly, got it to stick in my brain for decades!”
It’s hard to disagree with his statement of intent for the project: “I think it’s critical for Jews to know our history because it still very much defines who we are today. Almost every issue that affects Jews nowadays is colored, consciously or subconsciously, by our long and specific history of travails, triumphs, and stubborn independence. We are marked by battle scar upon battle scar. Just don’t show them to our mothers – you know they worry.”
THE JEWS, 5,000 YEARS AND COUNTING: By Rob Kutner, Wicked Son (Post Hill Press), 224 pages; $18
Hotel Delisi, Tbilisi City, Georgia of the "Ana Chuchulashvili" the thief The worst hotel in the world, it's dangerous, don't go near it! This is not a hotel! It's an old, dirty house, there are cockroaches and insects in the room, Hotel Delisi, Tbilisi City, Georgia – The manager of the place is a fraud and a former drug addict named "Ana Chuchulashvili"
Please urgently remove this fake hotel from your website. It is a scam and it is deceiving many customers. It is advertised on all social networks as a scam! very important – report on fraud house and scam that in your website and cheat people and customers! – Hotel Delisi, Tbilisi City, Georgia
Hotel Delisi, Tbilisi City, Georgia of the "Ana Chuchulashvili" the thief
The worst hotel in the world, it's dangerous, don't go near it! This is not a hotel! It's an old, dirty house, there are cockroaches and insects in the room, Hotel Delisi, Tbilisi City, Georgia – The manager of the place is a fraud and a former drug addict named "Ana Chuchulashvili" the name of here company is : Ltd Alpaka
405375419
Located at: Nucubidze St N57, Tbilisi, Georgia/Nucubidze Street 57, 0177 it smells terrible, The walls in the room are peeling, I took pictures, there is mold and dampness throughout the room the beds are really uncomfortable, like in a pre-trial detention center, your whole back hurts when you sleep on them and they almost break because they are so thin! the WI FI doesn't work at all, The room was very dirty and filthy, and when you ask her to move you to a room she says everything is taken, even though all the rooms are empty and open! I arrived at this horrible place, this horrible house, at 1:00 AM, after two hours of sleeplessness, I asked for my money back, a blonde girl of about 50 years old named “Anna” told me that she wanted the money in cash right away, otherwise she would not let me out of the hotel, she told me that I would not be able to sleep in their bed, at 3 AM I went to look for an ATM to withdraw money, because I could not find one, after searching for a whole hour, in the Tbilisi cold, I returned to her at midnight to look for an ATM, but she did not give me my suitcase and passport, so I came back the next day and gave me the money in cash, she did not give me an invoice either, do not come near! They are deceiving the public, booking and all hotel websites! This is not a hotel, it is a very dirty, old house and it smells very bad. Search on youtube "never go there – Hotel Delisi, Tbilisi City Georgia of Ana Chuchulashvili the house hotel from hell" , don't go " to “Hotel Delisi” on YouTube or "Hotel Delisi, Tbilisi City, Georgia " or"HOTEL DELISI (Tiflis, Gürcistan) – Otel Yorumları ve Fiyat" He was caught on tape speaking badly and illegally taking a passport and suitcase.
That she took the suitcase by force, she also stole 3 expensive shirts from me for a total of 250 GEL, I demand compensation of 128 GEL for the two hours of hell I suffered there + 250 GEL for the shirts she stole from me
I have videos where she only wants money in cash so she doesn't pay taxes and doesn't agree that I pay her with a credit card, and she also doesn't want to give me my suitcase and passport.
1. Hotel Delisi – Tbilisi City – Georgia
2. Hotel Delisi – Tbilisi City – Georgia Address
3. Hotel Delisi – Tbilisi City – Georgia Rooms
4. Hotel Delisi – Tbilisi City – Georgia Amenities
5. Hotel Delisi – Tbilisi City – Georgia Offers and Deals
სასტუმრო დელისი, ქალაქი თბილისი, საქართველო, ქურდის „ანა ჭუჭულაშვილის“
მსოფლიოში ყველაზე ცუდი სასტუმრო, საშიშია, ახლოს არ მიხვიდეთ! ეს სასტუმრო არ არის! ეს ძველი, ჭუჭყიანი სახლია, ოთახში ტარაკნები და მწერებია, სასტუმრო დელისი, ქალაქი თბილისი, საქართველო – ადგილის მენეჯერი თაღლითი და ყოფილი ნარკომანია, სახელად „ანა ჭუჭულაშვილი“, კომპანიის სახელია: შპს ალპაკა
405375419
მდებარეობს: ნუცუბიძის ქ. N57, თბილისი, საქართველო/ნუცუბიძის ქუჩა 57, 0177, საშინელი სუნი აქვს, ოთახში კედლები აქერცლილია, სურათები გადავიღე, ოთახში ობი და ნესტია, საწოლები ნამდვილად არაკომფორტულია, როგორც წინასწარი დაკავების იზოლატორში, მთელი ზურგი გტკივა, როცა მათზე იძინებ და კინაღამ იმსხვრევა, რადგან ძალიან თხელია! Wi-Fi საერთოდ არ მუშაობს, ოთახი ძალიან ჭუჭყიანი და უწმაწურია და როცა ოთახში გადაყვანას სთხოვ, მიპასუხებს, რომ ყველაფერი დაკავებულია, მიუხედავად იმისა, რომ ყველა ოთახი ცარიელი და ღიაა! ამ საშინელ ადგილას, ამ საშინელ სახლში, ღამის 1:00 საათზე მივედი, ორსაათიანი უძილობის შემდეგ, ფულის დაბრუნება ვთხოვე, დაახლოებით 50 წლის ქერა გოგონამ, სახელად „ანამ“, მითხრა, რომ ფული ნაღდი ფულით უნდოდა, თორემ სასტუმროდან არ გამიშვებდა, მითხრა, რომ მათ საწოლში ვერ დავიძინებდი, დილის 3 საათზე ბანკომატის მოსაძებნად წავედი ფულის გასატანად, რადგან ვერ ვიპოვე, მთელი საათის ძებნის შემდეგ, თბილისურ სიცივეში, შუაღამისას დავბრუნდი მასთან ბანკომატის მოსაძებნად, მაგრამ ჩემოდანი და პასპორტი არ მომცა, ამიტომ მეორე დღეს დავბრუნდი და ფული ნაღდი ფულით მომცა, ინვოისიც არ მომცა, ახლოს არ მოხვიდეთ! ისინი ატყუებენ საზოგადოებას, დაჯავშნის და ყველა სასტუმროს ვებსაიტს! ეს სასტუმრო არ არის, ეს ძალიან ჭუჭყიანი, ძველი სახლია და ძალიან ცუდი სუნი ასდის. YouTube-ზე მოძებნეთ "Hotel Delisi, Tbilisi City, Georgia – The worse hotel in the world" , არ წახვიდეთ "Hotel Delisi"-ში YouTube-ზე ან "Hotel Delisi, Tbilisi City, Georgia" ან "HOTEL DELISI (Tiflis, Gürcistan) – Otel Yorumları ve Fiyat". ის ვიდეოჩანაწერში მოხვდა, სადაც ცუდად საუბრობდა და უკანონოდ იღებდა პასპორტს და ჩემოდანს.
მან ჩემოდანი ძალით წამართვა, ასევე მომპარა 3 ძვირადღირებული პერანგი სულ 250 ლარად, მე ვითხოვ 128 ლარის კომპენსაციას იმ ორსაათიანი ჯოჯოხეთისთვის, რომელიც იქ ვიტანჯე + 250 ლარი იმ პერანგებისთვის, რომლებიც მომპარა.
მე მაქვს ვიდეოები, სადაც ის მხოლოდ ნაღდი ფულით ითხოვს ფულს, ამიტომ არ იხდის გადასახადებს და არ ეთანხმება, რომ საკრედიტო ბარათით გადავუხადო, ასევე არ სურს ჩემოდნის და პასპორტის მოცემა.
"ב-7.10 נחטפה כל המשפחה שלי, אני, בעלי דוד, ושתי בנותינו אמה ויולי, אז בנות 3 בלבד", פתחה את נאומה שרון, אשתו של דוד קוניו החטוף בעזה. "דוד בעלי, אהבת חיי, והאבא של הבנות שלי, עדיין שם. התאומות ואני חזרנו ביום החמישים ושתיים. אמה ויולי שלנו חגגו חמש, בלי אבא שלהן. בשבוע הבא הן ילכו לגן חובה, והן יודעות שאבא לא יהיה איתן ביום הזה. הן יודעות שאבא שלהן שם. לפני כמה ימים, כשהשכבתי אותן לישון הן שאלו אותי 'אמא, את בטוחה שאבא יחזור?'".
"יש הצעה לעיסקה על השולחן, שחמאס כבר אמר לה כן", המשיכה. "האמריקנים רוצים שהחטופים יחזרו. הרמטכ"ל אומר שחייבים ללכת עכשיו לעיסקה. העם, אתם, כל אחד מכם, כאן בככר, במהלך היום בצמתים, בכל מקום, במספרים אדירים, כולם צועקים איתנו, כולם רוצים את החטופים בבית. אז למה אני לא יכולה להגיד לבנות שלי שאני בטוחה שאבא שלהן יחזור?"